Ritalin

I came back from my mom's to start the Second Grade. I was always one of the younger students. My birthday is in July and I would turn the age of my fellow students over the summer. I would be 6 when they were 7. Then I would turn 7 during the summer and start school a year younger than everyone else. I also had gone through some things that made me grow up in a hurry. Coming close to death can do that to you. Abuse does as well. Sometimes it feels like I missed a bit of my childhood. I was being groomed to be a "little man" rather than being allowed to grow as a kid. As a result of this, I started acting out. How does a child function as a child when they haven't the nurturing that a child needs. I guess I was more of a free range child. Free ranging is okay for chicken and beef, but not for kids. Somewhere along the way, I met a new babysitter. Her name was "Ritalin". Okay, so it wasn't really an actual babysitter. I remember being on it. It really brings you down. It is supposed to keep you calm, but it just made me really depressed. I felt like I was caring 1000 lbs on my back while trying to cross the Sahara Desert. I also remember just wanting to die.

Dave either 2nd or 3rd Grade 

  I remember having weird dreams. Not just weird dreams like dreaming that you are in front of the class giving a book report with just your underwear on. Nope, these were full blow nightmares. Dreams about people chasing me and hitting me, stabbing me, shooting me while trying to run from them. I remember waking up with muscle spasms. Usually in the dreams, my dad was there in the background just kind of looking up, watching for a second and then going back to working on a car. Other dreams included drowning, falling, bushes growing into hands, clouds turning into giant hands, hands and sometimes faces coming out of walls. The hands were always grabbing and clutching me, squeezing the air out of me and then letting me go. Faces laughing. Faces screaming. I hated going to sleep. 

On a better note, my dad started dating Sheelah and she came to live with us. Sheelah tried to help me get so structure into my life. She tried and I rebelled. I was a kid with no boundries now being introduced to structure.  She told me that it was her idea to get me off the Ritalin.happened to me and just thought I was acting out. She said I was like a zombie. She had no idea what had happened to me before she came along. My dad never wanted to listen and the people who had hurt me warned me not to tell or things would be even worse. I felt like one of these people you see in a horror movie. The ones who know that someone is chasing them and they jump at every little sound, every little movement. In Second Grade, I had to walk to school down a long, scary alley. There were other kids but they did know who I was nor did they care. Dogs jumping out from nowhere, but still behind chain link fencing. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but it was. I'd get to school and sit by myself. Wanting to be somewhere else, wanting to be someone else. This was how most of my scholastic career was. It seemed like I was always the new kid. The new kids never get picked for teams. They never get to sit at the "cool" tables. Kindergarden and First Grades were in  Davis. I don't remember the name of the school in Second Grade, but it was in Fullerton. Third Grade was at Horace Mann, either Anaheim or Fullerton. Fourth Grade was Jonas E. Salk in Anaheim Fifth Grade was split between Salk and Mountain View. Mountain View was in Ontario. Willows School in Rancho Cucamonga for Sixth Grade. Seventh and Eighth was back at Mountain View. First half of my Freshman year was Ontario High. The second half of my Freshman year and my whole Sophomore year was at Camden- Rockport in Camden, Maine. My Junior year was at Rubidoux High in Rubidoux, California and then back to Ontario High for my Senior year. I'll fill in the blanks in future postings

The little traveler

Southwest Airlines . I went up that ladder
many times. Seemed like it was 50ft high!

I used to go see my mom every summer. This was the way I traveled. Southwest Airlines. I think I may have started flying around six. Flying was great. The roar of the engines, the rumbling of the tires as the plane taxied down the runway, the feeling of sinking into your seat and then a lighter than normal feeling. It was pretty exciting. Being a young traveler also meant special privileges. I was usually the first on and the last one off.  The friendly attendants were very nice. Very pretty too. They would talk to me during the whole flight. They kept me well supplied with the little bags of honey roasted peanuts and all the soda I could drink. As the young kids would say, I was pimpin' . Yeah, right. Flying on a regular basis, I saw a lot of familiar faces. I can't tell you exactly how many sets of little plastic wings I got. I saw the cockpit a lot of times too. The pilots were always very nice too. The best thing about flying was escape. Even if it was just for a hour, it was freedom. I loved going to my mom's. I made the best of it I could knowing that I would eventually have to go back home when the time was up. Some times it was a short visit. Other times it was longer. We never talked about life with my dad. I just pretended like things were great. It kind of seems like I was either told or made aware not to bother her with anything that happened. That would just make me look like a complainer. Besides, no one likes a tattle-tale.

My mom, me and
Willie's girls Noel and Kristie

My mom had remarried and her new husband was okay. He tried to do stuff with me, but I just didn't warm up to him. I wasn't rude or at least I don't remember being rude. I just remembered he loved baseball or softball or maybe just sports. I think he tried to get me to play catch with him, but quickly gave up. Playing catch was totally foreign to me. I remember he worked a lot, came home and unwound with a beer while watching TV, and listened to country music. I don't remember him being a heavy drinker,  but it seems like he had a can of Burgie Beer in his hand all the time. Maybe it was the same can. I don't really know. They seemed to be pretty happy. He had a couple of daughters who lived with their mother. Many visits were set up so they would be there when I was. One daughter was a year younger than me and the other was about three or four years older. The older one acted a lot younger due to having cerebral palsy. So the three of us just kind of hung out and became buddies during the summers. My mom had a silver Vega with black vinyl seats. The seats had this basket weave design that would stick to your skin no matter what the weather. When it was cold, it would cling to you. When it was hot, it was like sitting on a waffle iron. She always kept a clean towel on the seat, but it never stayed put. She tried, but we still got burnt and had the waffle print on the back of our legs. We took trips to get ice cream, TG&Y, Zody's, and some other places that are no longer around. TG&Y always had flip flops, swimming trunks, Hot Wheels, Off Bug Spray and all the other summer time necessities. If they didn't have it, Zody's would.

Me and Spike

I remember their dog. His name was Spike. Biggest dog I ever saw. I thought he'd eat me when I first met him, but he was actually pretty nice. There was also Simba the Cat. My dad didn't like animals so this was pretty cool. I had the girls and the pets to keep me company during my visits. Time went by way too fast. Before I knew it, it was time to come back home. Well, at least I got to fly again.

BABES and THE BABY SITTER FROM HELL

I really liked having Ron and his family around. He treated me like a buddy. We'd watch TV in our chairs side by side.(see pic on previous post) He taught me how to tie my shoes and some other things. It was nice to have someone around since my dad was always so busy. After awhile, Ron and his family moved out. We would see them once in a while. We would meet up and go dirt bike riding with them, but it wasn't the same. I was pretty lonely without them. I quickly got bored of just hanging around or going to play by myself. When I got bored, I got into trouble. How many six year old people do you know that can play by themselves without getting into trouble once in a while?

Well, I liked to read. So, I looked and looked. There is only so many times you can read a TV guide. My search took me through the whole house and I found nothing. I started looking outside and then I found it. Under my dad's workbench was this GIANT box. I know everything is GIANT when you're six, but this box was huge and it was heavy. There was a lot of magazines. A lot of car ones. I looked through a couple of them out of boredom. I looked just a little deeper, hoping to find something to read. I found this magazines that had women on the front covers. I'm not sure what I thought when I found them. Maybe I thought it would just be like the car ones. The car ones had pictures of cars and I guess I thought these might have pictures of smiling people. Maybe I thought they were selling underwear. From what I remember that is what it showed on the front.  Well, it was a WHOLE lot different on the inside. It seemed like these women liked to have their pictures taken while they were naked. I don't remember how I felt at first, but I very curious. My dad caught me looking through his magazines. You're probably guessing he was really mad and I got into BIG trouble. Actually the opposite thing happened. He was very proud of me and I was allowed to look at them. I just needed to put them back when I was done and to not have them out when we had people over. I could take them all over the house and read the stories, look at the pics, and I even learned some of the jokes. Most of them, I didn't get. Like I said before, I was the roommate and now a buddy. My dad was happy to have me hanging around. He didn't have to watch what he said around me. And for once in what seemed like a very long time, I actually felt wanted. When you're a little kid and get exposed to things like Playboy, it affects how you see women. It was very confusing. I actually told Ron that his wife, Cindy looked like a bunny from one of the magazines. From then on, Cindy was known as Rabbit.

There were a few times when my dad took me to a daycare place or an after school thing. I don't really remember what it was, but some really bad stuff happened to me there. I somehow convinced my dad that I wasn't going back there. Kicking and screaming seemed to work. He decided to get the high school girl across the street to watch me after school. She could be really nice when she wanted to be. Apparently, she didn't like little kids. She burnt my lunch many times. One time she served me tomato soup that she had burned and told me that the burnt pieces were bat wings. She tried to tell me that she was a witch or something. Her two brothers took great joy in scaring the living daylights out of me as well as breaking my toys like my pop guns, Tonka trucks,etc. I didn't have very many toys and the sitter would tell my dad that I broke them.  It seems like I got hurt a lot whenever she was taking care of me. She was trying to teach me how to ride a bike. I would get on it and she'd let go or her brothers would try to run into me. One day of these lessons sent me through a neighbors yard. I don't know why, but I could stop. The brick planter stopped me when I smacked my face into it. I cried, they laughed. When my dad came home, she was really concerned about the bump on my head. My dad had me lay down on the couch with some ice on it. He laughed and told me that I looked like a boxer. I had quite a shiner. Didn't find out until a doctor's visit a few months later that I had fractured my skull. It was a small fracture just above my left eye,  but since I seemed okay, it was okay.
During the summer, the same sitter thought I should learn how to swim. Living in Southern California, we were fairly close to the beach. On better days, she took me with her brothers and I'd play in the surf right at the shore line. I'd also build sand castles and dig for sand crabs. This was fun, but the day came when I need to learn how to swim. She took me by the hand and walked me out on the jetty. Next thing I know was she picked me up and threw me into the water. I wasn't a swimmer. I could dog paddle, but I sure couldn't swim. I remember seeing the light hitting the top of the water. I tried to dog-paddle towards the surface. The water stung my eyes and I kept getting tossed in the undertow. I started dog-paddling and now I was digging in the sand. I looked around and saw the surface. I pushed off the sand and tried again, but the same thing. I tried again and again. No success. I remember being terrified and the feeling that my chest was going to explode. I died that day. I was under the water, I couldn't breathe and everything went black. I never knew how I got out of the water.

Early Childhood Development

I went to kindergarten and first grade in Davis. The one of the only things I remember about it was a Halloween costume that I wore. It was a Mickey Mouse T-shirt, and pair of mouse ears and some whiskers that my mom had drawn on. It was better than a Ben Cooper plastic store bought one.
 I remember the teachers took us to the class rooms where the big kids were and my cousin Todd was really embarrassed of me. He was in fifth or sixth grade and I was in kindergarten. I think it might have had something do with my yelling, "HI, TODD!!!!!" 

Mickey Mouse shirt
very similar
to the one I wore

Life was great. I actually enjoyed being a little kid doing little kid stuff. Coloring, painting, make believe, and all the rest of the stuff that goes along with it. Little did I know that this wouldn't last. I'm not really sure when they reached the point of no return, but Bob and Bonnie were done. When I was about four or five, Bob had moved down to Southern California.My mom was dealing with losing her mother to cancer.  Bob decided to take advantage of the situation.  He decided that I should come live with him. 

 For some strange reason, I thought my dad really needed me. He kept telling me that he really needed me and I believed it. That's what I kept telling my mom. Reluctantly, she let me go. I  remember being really upset that I didn't see my grandma when I left, but I didnt know what exactly was happening at the time. I just remember crying on the way to the airport. 

Bob and Dave - early 70's

A new chapter started that seemed okay at first, but this new arrangement had some flaws. Bob liked to party and some times I would find left over beer and drink it. I was also found pot brownies. I guess they made little boys easier to handle. I was more of a roommate than a son. I think most people were fooled into believing he was wonderful. They thought I was living a "Courtship of Eddie's father type of life"

People let me tell you 'bout my best friend, 

He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end. 
People let me tell you bout my best friend, 
He's a one boy cuddly toy, my up, my down, my pride and joy. 

People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun 
Whether we're talkin' man to man or whether we're talking son to son. 
Cause he's my best friend. 
Yes he's my best friend. 
(theme song from the tv series, "The Courtship of Eddie's Father"

I'm not sure when it happened exactly, but I became an adult. We sort of switched places and responsibilities. I learned to take care of myself much of the time. For Bob, there was always friend's car to fix, a time for just the adults to hang out, people to impress. I was starting to feel like I was in the way and under foot. Pretty hard feelings for a six year old to have, but I had them. Not just once in awhile, but all the time. 

Ron, Rabbit, and Dave

 I remember we had different people living with us for a little while. People moving in. People moving out. His friend Ron and his wife, Cindy(who I later called Rabbit) came to live with us. Ron had a couple of kids from a previous marriage, but he didnt see them very often. His daughter, Lisa and his son Ron Jr. came to live with us. One thing I remember is that lights didn't always work. For the longest time I thought Cindy really liked candles. Candles were burning everywhere. I guess the real reason is that the light bill wasn't paid.

We actually had one this color and three brown ones

We also had some pet tarantulas that lived in the living room. Someone use to feed them crickets. I don't remember who they belonged to, but I do remember how it sounded like someone eating Doritos 

with their mouth open when they ate.

the beginning

Dave, age 3

I found this quote by John Steinbeck. "We are lonesome animals. We spend all our life trying to be less lonesome.One of our ancient methods is to tell a story begging the listener to say and to feel. Yes , that's the way it is, or at least that's the way I feel it. You're not as alone as you thought." I thought it might be appropriate to use this quote to start my first blog. I spent a lot of time reading John Steinbeck's short stories when in elementary school. The Red Pony, The Pearl, Grapes of Wrath. I also loved Poe. The Cask of Amontillado and Hop Frog were my favorites. I read lots of other stuff too. I always loved reading and being grounded on a regular basis gave me the necessary time. I would always get lost in books. Not lost as in unable to comprehend what I was reading, but books always had a way of transporting me to different times and places.

Dave and Bonnie

Here is where my story starts. I was there, but some parts are a little fuzzy. Have you ever thought about your birth?  What I mean is not just the act of you being born, but the things were happening in the world. The world is a pretty big place and there is always stuff happening ever since the world began. I've thought about it on a number of occasions. I was born July 18th, 1967 just 4 days after my mom's 22nd birthday. Vietnam was in full swing. This was the same year that Jimi Hendrix released "Are You Experienced?". The Beatles also released "Sgt. Peppers".  I was born at  Elmendorf Air Force Base, just outside of Anchorage, Alaska. My mom recently told me that she was placed into a hospital room and they came and check on her from time to time. I'm sure it was very hard on her being alone and far from home. She had grown up in Davis , California. My dad's mother worked at UC Davis and somewhere along the way, my parents met. Bonnie and Bob met, dated, and then married. My dad and some of his buddies decided to enlist and go to Alaska. This way they avoided being drafted and getting sent to 'Nam.  There was a concern that the United States could be invaded by the Russians by way of the Aleutian Islands. So while my dad was out saving the world from the commies, my mom was giving birth. 

Dave, Bonnie, and Charlie Chan

Some time later, the family moved to Davis, California. I was told that I was about three months old. I don't remember anything about Alaska, but I hear its very nice. In Davis, we lived with Grandma and Grandpa O' Toole. My mom worked while my grandma took care of me. In the meantime, my dad was waging his own war against responsibility. My grandma was a school teacher for many years and taught me how to read and write. I used to eat pink sugar wafer cookies, drive my toy cars, trucks, and trains on "roads" that I made on the carpet, and watch home movies on the wall. Maybe there was a screen, but it seems like it was just shown on the wall. Every time I see those pink sugar wafer cookies, I think about all the time I spent at the kitchen table doing the "homework" she gave me to do. Thanks, grandma. My mom said that grandma was very proud of me. She even said I was smart. 

not the original, but you get the idea

I still remember the monkey lamp that was made out of a coconut. The light bulb was in his belly. It's funny how I remember things like that.