Fresh Start

It was time to start looking for another church. I liked  Calvary Chapel well enough, but it seemed like I was trying to making myself fit where I wasn't supposed to be. I tried going back to a few other churches that we had been to previously. For some churches, one visit was enough. We went back to Olive Branch. We had liked the teaching and the music, but we also knew some people who were attending from the old Nazarene church. I thought to myself, "Here we go again. Time to but the question mark back. " I was actually dreading going to church. There were a few Sundays were I just couldn't go. I don't know what it was. There was just something wrong with me. I started going because Nick seemed to like it. After awhile I started seeing more faces that I recognized. Faces from the Nazarene church. Faces from Calvary Chapel. It helped me to know that others were in transition as well. People dropped little hints. "Wouldn't be cool to see you up there with the worship team playing bass." "The youth pastor really has his hands full with all those teens. You should at least go and check it out." The more people hinted (which actually felt like pushing), the more I regretted coming to a church with familiar faces. They meant well enough, but I really wanted to be left alone. It became a struggle to leave the house on Sundays. Maybe this sounds a little selfish, but this is how I was feeling.
I took the membership class and became a full fledged member, but still was not willing to sign up for anything. We were supposed to list our past ministerial experiences and then meet with Buzz, an associate pastor, to find out where to get "plugged in". I talked to him and told him that I couldn't serve anywhere at the moment. We had a nice long talk. He said that was fine and to let him know when things might change and to let him know if there was anything he or the church could do in the meantime.
I remember meeting with Justin, the small groups pastor. He heard that I was part of a small group that met at Bill and Marla's home. He had also heard that I was teaching it. We met one day at the local Starbucks and discussed a class that the church offered. It was called Starting Point. He thought it might be worth my checking out. Well it turned out to be a pretty good class. It was more of a discussion group than a bible study. The leaders were very nice and informative. Well one thing led to another and I found myself co-leading the group. It has been very good. It's nice to see that adults struggle with alot of the same questions that my teens did. Same root issues, but just different settings. Things like does God care? Why is there so much bad stuff in the world? And so on. Well I guess I finally committed myself to something once again. It feels nice.

A new start, sort of..., but not really

Nick and I started attending Calvary Chapel Corona pretty regularly. We liked the teaching and it was nice to just relax and be feed. I didn't want to get involved with anything. I knew I wasn't ready. Jen was still not feeling up to going to church. She stayed home at watched Charles Stanley. At first, I didn't say anything about where we were other than to mention that "we went to the Nazarene church down the road for a few years and thought it was time to try something else". People were nice enough. They said hi and bye and that was it. They fellow-shipped with their friends, but at least they were cordial.
I did meet the pastor and youth pastor in the parking lot one day. I shared with them what had happened. The pastor said that I should take as much time as I need. He told me not to rush into anything, but when I was ready they would find a place for me to serve if that is what I would like to do. I was so glad to hear that. I joined the men's Saturday group. I was able to bring my bass out again and start playing again. I learn a lot of new songs and revisited some old ones. I was happy and felt like I could belong somewhere once again.
A short time later, the church was asking for volunteers to help out with Children's Ministries. I wasn't going to sign up. I prayed about it and signed up the following week. There was a long questionnaire to fill out. They asked all the right questions and asked for experience. I later found myself meeting with the Junior High pastor and the guy over Children's Ministries. They both thought that I should be working with teens again. After much prayer and consideration, I started helping with Awanas. Calvary Chapel had an Awanas program that went into High School. I was the new teacher. We would meet Sunday nights. First, we played worship songs. I got to play bass again! YES! Then we divided into the Junior High and Senior High groups. All of the teaching materials were already done up. I just needed to talk a little and then have them run through their memory verses. This was going all right. The teens and I hit off really well. I did run through some the material a little fast and added personal stories where they might fit in. The group was almost all home schoolers and had grown up in church. I shared a little bit of my pre Christ life. The teens were amazed.  The moms who were in the room got very wide eyed. I stressed the importance of really knowing and believing what the Bible says. I shared with them that they might meet someone who isn't a Christian and will ask them many questions. I wanted them to really know.
Things were going pretty well, but I still felt like I would never truly fit in. I still felt like I was carrying the scarlet question mark. I went through a funk and left during the summer break.

Scarlet Question Mark

Were you ever assigned to read, "The Scarlet Letter"? I remember having to read it in elementary school. Not sure of what grade, but I know it was before Junior High. In the story, a lady has an affair and becomes pregnant. She is forced to wear a scarlet letter on her clothing. She wears an "A" for adultery. Every place she goes, she wears this big red A. After I left the church, friends asked me to come and visit where they were going to church. A few of them were in positions of ministry and thought the best thing for me would be to jump right back in and serve with more fervor. I received pity rather than understanding. The other churches I attended were okay until the friend introduced me to the pastor or someone in leadership. "This is my friend, Dave". I'd shake hands with whoever and tell them it was nice to meet them. Then the unavoidable would happen. "Oh, yeah. He used to be a youth pastor." I felt like my friend had just pinned a scarlet question mark to my chest. The typical response was either a "really" or "why aren't you any more?". I could see the gears turning. "What did this guy do? Did he leave or was he removed? Why is he here at my church? What does he want?" I would usually explain Jen's condition and tell them that it was too much to do. They acted like there was more to my story, but said something like, "Well its nice to have you visiting with us today." Other places were wanting to jump right in and start serving that day. It was hard to find a place to go and not have to give an answer for something you didn't do. Nick and I started church shopping. Trying out churches where we could hide. Hopefully one that provided good, solid biblical teaching. Some did. Others failed. We tried the bigger churches in the area as well as some not so big. It took a while to find one that we could return to more than one Sunday in a row.

Canyon Community Church Part#3 - leaving

Things were going incredibly well and we were excited. I was working Graveyard at the steel company, going to school part time, and serving in the ministry part time. Ministry is never part time. It was a full time deal, but I needed to support me and my family. The busier I got, the more people wanted me to do. I was expected to do bigger and better things. Parents had ideas of how I should be doing things better. Never had anyone actually come in and saw what we were doing, but lots of people thought we should be doing things their way. About this time, Jen had gotten really sick. She had brain surgery for her Arnold-Chiari Malformation and it took A LOT out of her. Please read the link and you'll get an idea of what she was and still goes through. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arnold%E2%80%93Chiari_malformation 

She wasn't able to be involved as she was. She needed me more than ever. She wasn't able to come to church except for a few occasions. When she did, she felt guilty for not being more involved but also unwelcome.  I felt more pressure from the church to do more "activities", was being told that I should teach so much kids just want to have fun, constantly reminded too bad you'll never be full time like all the other churches. I felt like I was failing and letting everybody down. I was becoming just this guy doing this job. My passion was left dying by the side of the road. Worst of all, I was having to leave my wife at home when I did all this "fun" teen stuff. Life was sucking. No easier way to put it. I asked some of the ladies at church to reach out to my wife. I shared how she was really down and it was hard for to come to church both physically and emotionally. The response I received caused my jaw to hit the floor. "Its hard to get to know someone when they're never here." This combined with my inner struggles of trying to keep the plates spinning faster and faster caused me to make a hard decision. I pulled the plug on the ministry. I quit taking classes, I announced my resignation, and did what I had to do. Nobody really asked me to reconsider. The only time someone said anything is the day I cleared my things off the platform. I was asked if I was really taking my guitars too.  A lady who heard I resigned asked me if I was still going to attend church there. She was surprised and saddened when I told her no, I was leaving. A couple of people tried to get me to stay. "Who's gonna take care of the teens? Don't you care? You can't just give up. Do you really think that is what God wants you to do?" The teens were mad at me. They told me that I sucked and that they hated me. Even months later, when I'm out at a store, they'll go out of there way to avoid me. I was getting calls from an individual who wanted to fight me because he heard how I was talking trash on people at the church. Every single time, I had to explain why I left and how talking trash on anybody  wasn't going to benefit me in anyway, so why would I bother. Each of the phone calls ended with, "cool brother. Let me know if you need anything. Lets hang out sometime". I don't know why, but I called my dad and told him that I had just quit the ministry. "Great glad to hear it. Uh, I gotta go. Call me sometime." Thanks, Dad for always being there. I stopped going to church for a while. Any church. I spent a lot of time trying to think about what had taken place. Not just the last couple of months I was there, but the whole time Jen and I had been working with teens. Did we fail somehow? Did I waste my time and their time? I need some time to think. 

Canyon Community Church of the Nazarene, part #2

Things started going really, really good with the youth group. As I said we started small and then we started to grow. I don't like focusing on numbers, but it was nice to see growth. Not numeric so much as spiritual growth. People wanting to be at church, bringing their Bibles, asking questions, engaging as a group. 

We started doing more stuff. In addition to the "regular" times, the teens would hang out after church and we'd get some lunch. At first it was a once a month thing, or at least thats kind of what I planned, but it turned into a week thing. We'd all walk over as a group to one of the local fast food joints and order our food to take with us back to the church. We'd eat in the library and everyone one would talk about school and home stuff. I tried to encourage parents to follow our example and do lunch together, but most tried it as "free babysitting" and got some errands done.

We also did "Allnighters". To kick things off with our first Allnighter, I wanted to make a Mega-Allnighter. From 8:00pm Friday until 5:00pm Saturday. It was brutal. I planned a high energy night followed by a beach trip the next day with NO sleep in between. Everyone had a good time. Lunch time on Saturday was a little different. We didnt make it to the beach. Instead we went swimming in Pastor Art's pool. Nobody was swimming. It was more like teen zombies standing in water. I asked if anybody was hungry. People just answered with grunts. I put a hotdog in this girls hand and she just started at it. I told her,"Its a hot..dog. You can ...eat it. Its okay. She stared at it some more and then started eating it. Like I said , it was brutal. A big mistake, but everyone survived. At first, we planned on doing one or two a year. The longer we were at the church ,it seemed like it was once every two or three months. A typical Allnighter would start on Friday around 9:00pm and end around 7:00am on the following Saturday. We would plan different things to be done at the church and a couple of other places. We always had a few extra visitors. We usually started off with a get to know everybody game. You know the usual stuff like Chubby Bunny, Trainwreck, and other fast paced games. Then a pizza feast. We followed it up with Cosmic Bowling. The biggest adventure of the night was transportation. This was always a problem. I am thankful to the many people who drove when we did the midnight Cosmic Bowling. Usually it was me driving my Corolla and a parent driving a minivan. First, we go from Corona to the bowling alley in Norco and drop off an adult to stay with the first wave of teens. We also left an adult( usually Jen) at the church until the last wave. After much shuttling, we'd get everybody there. This usually started around 10:30pm and bowling started at midnight and the final group would get back to the church around 1:00am. Bowling was always great fun. Some of the teens were so go at bowling, they used two balls at time! Others like to use the "softball method". This is lobbing the ball underhand like a softball down the lane until gravity pulled it back down to earth or in this case the freshly waxed hardwood lane. Another highlight of Cosmic Bowling would be the music video time. Most of the teens were bowling and were oblivious to the music and the videos. Every time we went, the bowling alley would show Sir Mix A Lot's "Baby got back". The video is very bad and suggestive, but no one really noticed until an adult helper got upset and started yelling. "DO YOU SEE THAT?!?!" she said to me and Jen pointing at the very large screens hanging from the ceiling. "DON'T THEY KNOW WE'RE A CHURCH GROUP. DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY'RE SHOWING?" At this point, ALL my boys stopped bowling and were transfixed on what was in front of them. The lady walked up to the counter and gave the man an earful which the whole bowling alley could hear. I just told everybody to get back to bowling and ignore the screens. They went back to bowling.

When we got back to the church, we usually played sardines, did more wacky games, and other stuff. EVERYBODY had a great time. Later, we stopped going bowling and just did stuff at the church. It was cheaper and in some ways a lot more fun. In the middle of the activities, we had a wind down time. I usually taught a very short and brief devotional. Visitors always expressed that they never knew church could be fun.

We kept everyone going and going the whole time. A few people would crash out around 4am, but it was more like a nap. Good times. Other than the time a girl got a black eye playing steal the bacon and a couple of minor mishaps, it was good times. We were building memories. 

Canyon Community Church of the Nazarene, part#1

Jen and I came to Canyon Community Church of the Nazarene in March of 2001. Things got busy very quickly. I begin working on lesson plans, outreach ideas, organizing the teen area to make it more friendlly. I taught through a book of the Bible on Sundays and did topical discussions on Wednesday nights. I also played bass with the worship team. Some mornings, I'd play guitar. I even played drums a couple of Sundays. Not very well, but I managed. 

The first year we helped out with Vacation Bible School. First, I took the clipart and made some flyers. I think about 500. Nick, Michelle, and myself put them on doors and handed them out to everyone in  the neighborhood. A few extra people came that year. I did the Bible story time and that went great. The next year or maybe the year after, I asked if I could do a teen geared program. I explained how we had put together a teen VBS program and that it was successful. I got the board's blessing and we had a special program for the teens. We still met at the beginning and ending of the regular VBS program in the main sanctuary, but the rest of the time was ours. We had games, I taught, everybody had fun. We did this for the last three years we were there. 

For one particular object lesson, we met outside.I had the kids sit with their chairs about eight feet away from me and the table I was setting my things on. I was discussing how we are fine with allowing God to be involved with a very, very small part of our lives. We like the way it makes us feel. To demonstrate this, I dropped a couple of Mentos into an open glass of Dr. Pepper. It foamed and fizzed and spilled over the top of the glass. I went on to say that we are keeping God from doing the really powerful things He wants to do. He wants our lives to be so dynamic that people are affected by our lives. I said we can stay like the glass that just foamed up with warm fuzzy kind of feelings or we can allow God to have all of us and unleash what He wants to do in our lives. At this point, I dropped about 12 - 15 Mentos into a two liter bottle of root beer. Of course, the root beer shot way up into the air. 

You know how what goes up,  always comes back down? Well there was a slight breeze. The root beer shot straight up and form two little rain clouds. They drift a few feet and dropped right onto a new students' leg. I think they got the point of the illustration.

Like I said, we had a lot of fun.

How did I end up in Corona?

After I left the church in Chino, I took some time to regroup. I had some questions. I went and talked to some friends. They were not surprised that I left. They said, "yeah. They are pretty liberal. We thought that might be a problem for you, but we weren't sure." I spent the month reassessing where I had been at both places. What went right, what went wrong, what went in a different direction, etc. At this point, Ontario 1st had hired a new worship leader. Dan was a pretty nice guy. He told me that his father in law really needed someone to help him out. He had heard that I was not with a church and his father in law was trying to do it all himself. I told him that I didnt know, I'd "pray" about it. I said I just want at least a month off. He told me where the church was and to check it out. After about 3 weeks, I went by myself to Canyon Community Church of the Nazarene. It was a very small church right off the 15 freeway, not to far from Ontario. I went to the 9:30 adult Sunday School. They were mentioning somethings in Sunday School that I had just dealt with at UMC Chino. I spoke up and said how some churches are very liberal and brought up a few points. Then I attended the 10:45 service. There was about a 15 minute break between the sunday school and the actual service. I guess it was in those 15 minutes, the pastor knew that I was there. He told me that he knew who I was. He said Dan told him to watch for me. Then he invited me out to breakfast on Tuesday. I was working the graveyard shift at my job and told him when I could meet with him. We met and things went great. Next Sunday, I met with the church board and they hired me. You know how I said that I need at least one month off? It was exactly one month. Right down to the very day.
It was a fresh start. This is what we needed. No preconceived ideas. Freedom to run things the way the LORD was to lead. I didn't have a large group. The first time I met every body, there was 7 kids in the room. Then it dropped to 5 on Sunday and then 2 on Wednesday. For quite a while it was just Michelle and Nick. Occasionally, we'd have a visitor or two. I just really felt like this is where God had called me to be and if I only had two kids in the youth group, then I would teach the two kids. Then we had more people start coming. It was exciting times.
We lived in Ontario for the first two years that I was serving at the Nazarene church in Corona. We eventually moved to Corona to be closer to the church. I was still working for Marmon/ Keystone but the drive wasn't very much further.

Chino United Methodist

We didn't really know much about the United Methodist denomination, but we were excited. I talked to a few people that I knew and respected. They said oh yeah, they're just like the Nazarenes. I went and met with the Pastor and the leader committee. My interview was 2 hours long and they really liked me. I found out that there wasn't anyone in this position for about 3 years. Some families had left the church and they were glad to be able to fill the position. We found out that the church was really involved with helping out in the community and also supported many global missions. We were really drawn to that. I was happy to be there, but deep down I felt like I wouldn't be staying too long. I wasn't sure why, but it was a constant thing from the beginning.
I began by organizing the space we had been given. Jen came up with the name for the youth group. She said we should call it "The Door". It was because of a poem she had found and we really liked it. Here's the link: http://www.thejaywalker.com/pages/shoemaker.html

We both believed and still do that our job is to be door keepers, to help others find Jesus. 

I started off by asking the pastor for a list of names of families that had either Junior High or Senior High students. I made a point to try and visit/ introduce myself to them by stopping by their homes on various Saturdays. I would try to visit 2 to 3 homes every Saturday. I also put together a Thursday night program as well as reestablished a Sunday School program. On Sundays, we went verse by verse through the Gospel of John and Thursdays were more topical stuff. Nick was still attending Ontario 1st, but wanted to support what we were doing. Some of the kids from Ontario Naz wanted to see what I was doing at the other church. I set Thursday as the day to avoid any conflict that may arise. Things were going really well for a bit, but something was not quite right. My ideas of what I should be doing were a little different than what others thought I should be doing. Some felt I was teaching too much. I got in trouble for discussing creation too. After much consideration, I resigned. 

Time to leave Ontario 1st Church

There comes a time where, no matter how comfortable you are, you know you need to leave. We had been at Ontario 1st for 10 years. We worked with Eddie and Sarina Acosta. We worked with Kory and Rhonda Heal. We were there in between youth pastors along side Lee Russo. Jen started have some health issues, but we were still there.Sundays, Wednesdays, ALL NIGHTERS, VBS, etc.etc.  The church was going  brought in Josh and Sonja Wicker to be the youth pastors. A few people thought I should have been the next guy. They asked me "So. Are you going to do it?"I asked what they meant. "Be the new youth pastor". I honestly would have loved to, but that wasn't the way God had things planned out. I had put together a resume on Youth Specialties. In a couple of months, I was hired to be a part time youth pastor at Chino United Methodist Church. It was hard to leave the Ontario church, but it was necessary.

who me?

Its funny how Thanksgiving and Christmas bring back a flood of memories. Some really good. Some you would rather forget. Memories are triggered in so many different ways. Sometimes its certain smells. Baking smells. Cleaning smells. A certain perfume or shampoo. Sometimes its sounds. Holiday music. People talking. Familar voices and faces. I'm very thankful for all of my memories. Yes, even the bad ones. It helps me to remember how far I have gone in such a short time. It reminds that the past is in the past.

One clear vivid memory is of a time at Anaheim District winter camp. I had volunteered to go up, but on the way up the mountain I had second thoughts. I thought of Jen and Nick at home and thought I should be with them. The whole first day seemed to drag on and on. I just wanted it to be over. The next day started of the same. I was walking around just thinking about things. Kind of moping around. Making sure people were where they needed to be. It was really weird. In the middle of that snowy field, I suddenly felt like there was an electric blanket wrapped around my chest. It was really the weirdest sensation ever. Then it felt like someone talking to me, but it was kind of like my own voice at the same time. It went something like , "Look around. Who will take care of them? Who will teach them? Will you?" I was scared, but humbled at the same time. I know this sounds really, really crazy, but this how it happened. I talked to some people. They said, "Dude! God is calling you. You need to do it." I talked with Pastor Larry. He gave me a booklet of how to get started with bible classes. Then I started thinking. "This is crazy!  I can't do this. I've only been a Christian for a very short time. " That is when the dreams started. I kept having dreams of me being a youth pastor and DOING GOOD. I thought it was just people putting ideas in my head and I kept fighting it.
Instead, I decided to pursue a career in the medical field. Jen was working part time and somehow we had some extra money and we discussed EMT classes. I was working nights and going to school during the day. I did really, really well and thought that I had finally found my true purpose in life. My calling. Somewhere towards the end of the EMT certification class, it felt like the bottom had fallen out of everything. Things in our lives where going pretty good. My job was going good. Church was going good. I felt miserable and went through a little dark spell. I acted like everything was fine and wonderful, but it wasn't. I asked God to forgive me and that I was sorry for running away from his plan. I decided to take another look at pursuing the ministry. Didn't know what to expect or even how to get started, but I knew that God would open the right doors and He would start slowly closing the wrong ones.

Winter camp with O Naz

Winter camp was a fun time. I was called on to either be security or part of the worship band. Usually ended up being both. Other times as a counselor. I took a day of vacation off from my job and went with the O Naz youth group. We'd meet at the church and take the bus. Some brought just enough clothes to make it through the weekend. Others, usually the ladies, looked as if they were moving out of their homes. I remember this girl brought about three very large, rolling suitcases for the 2 and half day trip. I enjoyed the bus rides up the mountain. I would sit by some of the guys who got into trouble or the quiet ones or just where I felt like. I was a goofball, but I really think they knew that Jen and I cared about them and loved them. We were in our mid to late 20's, but we still remembered how life throws an occasional wrench into the works. We had some good talks with them and some fun times hanging out. Winter Camp was a weekend long time where they could hang out with friends from other Nazarene churches. I met some of the other church kids and answered some questions they were dealing with. I remember a couple of times when I was a counselor and we were supposed to do this thing called Cabin Wrap up or something around 10:30/ 11:00pm every night. Basically, the adult counselors were to oversee about 6 kids and ask some questions about the sermon from that night. Try to see what they took away if anything. Well, it came time to do wrap up and there were 3 rooms that circled around a common bathroom. Like I said the ratio was supposed to be 1 adults to 6 teens. The other two counselors sacked out way early. The guys from the other rooms joined my discussion group. We got through the questions pretty easy and quickly. They had other questions. Questions about life and family and school and girls and other stuff. We talked for a long time each night. It was pretty awesome. I'm not trying to brag and say that I'm this great guy, but it was a total God thing. He gave me the words to speak.

Getting involved (Ontario Nazarene) part# 1

After going to Ontario Nazarene, I had a desire to get involved. I wanted to help out any way I could. I was always into music and sound equipment, so I decided to talk to the sound guys and see about joining the group. I got involved with sound ministry and I was the guy running the board for weddings, funerals, church services, kids programs, and choir programs. Jen helped in the children's ministry. It was great to be involved and helping. After a couple of years of being at Ontario Naz., I was asked to help out with the teens. First, Darren, Larry and Sandi's son asked me and then Eddie Acosta asked me. I said okay. I was thinking maybe a little help with the sound, setting up chairs and tables, and stuff like that. I didn't know that Darren was leaving and Eddie was taking his place. Jen and I helped Eddie and his wife Sarina for a number of years. Eddie knew that I played guitar and wanted me to play with him for the teen services. To make a long story short, I picked up the bass. It was great and we had a lot of fun. The next thing I know is he is encouraging me to teach Sunday lessons and occassionally on a Weds. night. This was really the furthest thing from my mind. I hated standing in front of people. I took a lower grade in some classes that had us do oral reports. I couldn't do it. I prayed about it and then I went for it. It wasn't so bad after all. Some of you might disagree, but I think it went pretty well.

Ontario 1st Church of the Nazarene

We heard about a church close by called Ontario 1st Church of the Nazarene. We didn't know much about it. I think Jen's sister had a kid in daycare there or something. All I know is here we were. It is always difficult starting at a new place, but we went. I remember we received a letter from the pastor thanking us for visiting. A couple from the church left a baggie of cookies in our mail box. We started going there in February 1993 and we really liked it. The pastor, Larry Pitcher was a really nice, likable guy. His wife, Sandi was very friendly and took to Jen pretty quick. Some of Nick's friends from elementary school went here too. We soon got to know the families of these kids and the parents became our friends. Pretty amazing how that works. Another huge help was a young adult Bible class. It was taught by Rick Morrison. This guy was extremely knowledgeable and had a way of explaining things pretty clearly.  He helped me to get really grounded in the Word.
 Honestly, I didn't get the hymns at first. I spent most of the time trying to figure out the language. It was in English, but Old King James English. Words like hath, doth, thy, thee and the abbreviated words of com'st, ne'er, e'ver, heav'n. What did these mean? What was the writer of the hymn trying to say? How can I try to sing these songs if I didn't know what they meant. Okay maybe I'm making too much of this, but I really, truly wanted to know what these songs were about. Over time, I got the tunes down. I would sing the word "doth" while thinking "does". I also remember working nights and my week would start on Sunday night. I went to Rick and asked him about working on the Sabbath. I was worried that I might be doing something wrong. Rick reassured me that I was doing fine and wasn't doing anything wrong. I wasn't trying to be a legalist. I just wanted to do the right thing. I didn't grow up in the church and felt like I needed to make up for lost time. They were very warm and friendly. I'm very thankful for the people of this church.

Church on TV

After we left the Pentecostal church, we didnt know where to go. We did what a lot of people do. We stayed home. We still prayed and read our Bibles, but didn't know what to read or how to interpret it. We saw a couple of pastors on a local channel and watched for a while. We read along and even contributed to a couple of them. One was Charles Stanley. He was really good and easy to understand, but he always said that his program was never meant to take the place of the local church. We learned a lot from watching Dr. Stanley.
Some others caused a lot of confusion. There was Ken Copeland and his group. There was also Fred Price. We'd watch Dr. Stanley first and then these guys would come on. A lot of what they said seemed to sound pretty good, but they would take some things out of their context. If you had any problems at all, physical, financial, emotional, or any other kind, then you simply didn't have enough faith. I know this caused me to have doubts about my own salvation. I would pray and ask God to forgive me for doubting and basically asked to me saved again and again. I know it sounds pretty dumb, but this is what I did. I didn't know any better. I didn't really care about my finances or anything like that. I did want to make sure that I had the proper respect for God. I believed He was all powerful and all loving and I still struggled with my own insecurities. I was still trying to fix things. I thought God wanted perfection. I mean He is holy and I'm not, but what I didn't grasp for the longest time was that no one is perfect. No one is able to come to God in his or her own goodness. Those first couple of years, I read through my Bible. I read it a lot. I heard some many different things. One person might say this and another that. I wanted to know what the Bible had to say. I had also heard that Jesus was coming back at such and such a time and a few people even speculated as to where He would arrive. It felt like I was taking 2 or 3 steps forward and then 2 or 3 steps back. It was time to find a regular church.

Backin' up a bit

Sometimes I get excited telling my story that I jump around. I jump around A LOT. My apologies. One day when Nick was three, he brought a Bible to Jen and said to her, "Here. Read this." After that he went back to playing. She thought it was strange, but she started reading the Bible. She had been to church before with his grandma and cousins. She had always had a Bible, but never really read it. I had a couple of Bibles myself and never really read them. I thought it was a good book. A book full of good stories, full of wisdom and good morals. Nothing much more. At this time, we were attending a friend's church. It was a Pentecostal church and I really didn't like it. I felt like the pastor was bragging about his own goodness and his personal spot in heaven and that I was just out of luck. No hope for me. I also had heard people discussing how some people are chosen by God and others are not. Predestination is what they called it. I only heard a little and it sounded confusing.

When Nick got sick, we stopped going. Along the way, Jen had become a Christian. At Loma Linda, I did too. I wasn't too sure about myself though. 

On the mend

Even though I slept for just a couple of hours, it was the most restful sleep I had in a long time. I thought it was strange, but I wasn't on stress overload any more. I had a feeling that things were going to work out. I couldn't really find the words to explain it. Its just you know that you know. Nick went through a bunch of different tests. He was never really diagnosed at the other place and the doctors at Loma Linda leave no stone unturned. They discovered that he just had a bad kidney infection that was made worse by his "treatment" at the other hospital. All the test took about a big chuck of the morning and almost all of the afternoon. In the late afternoon/ early evening I went to get Jen. Either that or her sister brought her. I don't really remember which. She was also relived that Nick was doing better after just a couple of days. He was able to come home at the end of the week.
I continued to work at the same place for about another year or two. In the meantime, a friend who worked at a temporary placement service told me about a temp to hire position at a steel company. Jen, Nick, and I started going to a Nazarene church in Ontario, CA. Things were on the mend for all of us.

Loma Linda Hospital

After a week of no answers, we were hoping that moving Nick out to Loma Linda might change that. We were glad to see that the staff was on top of things and very attentive. Even though, Jen was still pretty worried. She had been staying by Nick's side, night and day ever since he was first admitted back at Doctor's Hospital. It was taking a real toll on her. She wasn't sleeping and she wasnt eating. Her sisters took her back home and I stayed overnight. While Nick was sleeping, I went and got something for dinner. I told the nurse that I was running to Del Taco and would be back in few minutes if they needed me. When I returned, I checked back in at the nurses station and looked in on Nick. He was still sleeping. I took my food out to the patio and thought about everything going on. I had a lot of questions. Questions about what Nick really had going on, how Jen was doing, what if I did lose my job, and so on. I had so many questions. My mind was on overload.
At Loma Linda, they give you a small stack of books to read through. Most of them were religious due to Loma Linda being a part of the Seventh Day Adventist Church. I looked through them a little. Mostly just to pass the time. Nick was sleeping alot better and the nurses were taking really excellent care of him. I was there but wasn't needed to be on duty. I continued wrestling with my multiple questions. I took one of the books, Steps to Christ, into one of the visiting areas. I was by myself and turned on the TV. I was kind of bored with what was on TV. Watched some news, flipped through so more channels, and went to check on Nick again. He was fine and I think I was becoming a bit of a nuisance. I went back to watch some more TV. I stumbled on to a music video channel and watched it for a bit. It showed videos by a lot of the alternative bands I was currently listening to and some ones I had never heard before. It seemed like it was one great video after another. Even though I was really getting into the show, I kept going back to this book. I couldn't take myself away from it. I stopped skimming and read the thing the whole way through. At first, it reminded me alot of the stories I had heard going to Released Time in the Fourth Grade and the ones I heard at the churches I had visited with neighbors. The more I read, the more I saw that my life wasn't where it needed to be. I mean I had always tried to be a good person. I tried to do more to help others. I thought I was pretty close to Boy Scout status. At the same time, I realized that I had been spinning my wheels. I never really dealt with anything. I never let people know if  I was hurting. I knew I had anger problems and other issues and  I stuffed them somewhere deep down. Whenever things would begin to "bubble up", I'd stuff it all down more forcefully. I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself. I just needed to work extra hard to keep up my "good guy" appearance. I just wanted people to see me as normal. Not someone with problems. I worked two jobs most of the time so Jen could stay home with Nick. I made sure that I did stuff with Nick. I still enjoyed being a dad and wanted to do things that I missed out on as a kid.
AsI was reading, some of my questions were being replaced with other questions. Deep probing questions, that make you skirm. Questions that keep people up late at night. As I was reading through this little book, I was made to look at myself as I really was. This God that I had heard so much about was actually concerned with me and my family and I had been avoiding Him. I had been running as fast as I could, but I could not hide. I had many things that either I had done or things that were done to me that I was ashamed of. I didn't want this God to see me. I knew I wasn't a good person, but I wasn't a horrible person. I was very convicted. I knew that I was trying to carry the whole weight of everything myself even thought this was God's job. I went out on the balcony and cried out to God. I dont remember exactly what I said, but I do remember admitting that I was hopeless and no longer able to keep things going. I said that I had heard alot of good things about, but if you're real, I willing to give you a shot. That was about it. Just as I finished praying, a lady came out and made some small talk with me. Her daughter was in the hospital and had been coming there for a very long time. She assured me that Nick was in good hands and left. I stayed out a little longer thinking about what I just did. I felt at ease. I knew that I wasn't so overwhelmed anymore, but now I had new questions. I went back into the visiting room and fell asleep on the seats in there.

Nick goes to the hospital

Thanksgiving 1991. Something wasnt quite right. Nick was lying on the living room floor, curled up and looked like he was in a lot of pain. I got down next to him. "What's wrong?" "UH, NOTHING" So I ask, "Does something hurt?" NOOOOOOO." Time for a trip to the hospital. The closest one that took my insurance was Doctor's Hospital in Montclair, CA. Something was obviously wrong, but Nick wouldn't say where he hurt. Just picking him up caused him a great deal of pain. We got the hospital and was asked the questions they always ask. What happened? When did the pain start?  What is he saying hurts? After running some tests, they discovered it was his kidneys.
Nick had always been very heathly and got all his shots. We moved and he didn't have a regular doctor. He never needed one. He got minor cuts and scapes and the occassional cold. I think I can count the number of times he got stomach flu on one hand.
When you go to the Emergency Room and you don't have a regular doctor, the hospital assigns one to you. There are some doctors who are really great and some that are just okay. We got neither. The doctor we saw took me aside to speak with me. After his intial assessment, he had a possible diagnosis. He said it was either a kidney infection or he needed a kidney transplant. SERIOUSLY! This was what he told me. It was easy to tell the Nick was very sick and they admitted him. Jen would stay with him all day and almost all night and I would stay as much as I could. I would arrive at the hospital after I got off work.
We had discovered that real fruit juice and Nick didn't get along. We told this to the doctor, the nurses, etc. They even put a bracelet and wrote "NO JUICE" on it. He was severely dehydrated. They had him on IV's, but they kept giving him juice saying it was "doctor's orders". The juice caused him to have severe diarrhea. The nurses would come around to check on him from time to time and ask us why he had diarrhea. We said because you guys keep giving him juice and we pointed at his ankle. They would leave and say they would back to change his bedding. We got tired of waiting for them to come back. I did some snoping around and would the linen room. I came back with clean bedding and gowns and we cleaned up EVERYTHING ourselves. They didn't back for a couple of hours and they were actually mad that we didnt wait for them to come back. I told them that you cant leave someone in that.  After that they just let us clean him up and change his bedding. Something needed to be done and done quickly. Nick wasn't getting better. He was getting worse! At the same time, things were changing at work. Hours were getting cut and I lost my insurance. After a lot of phone calls and forms, we got emergency medi-cal and Nick was transfered to Loma Linda.
As soon as we arrived at Loma Linda, we met the doctors, filled out the forms, and got Nick into a room. I noticed in the main lobby, there was a giant picture of Jesus. Just from the shoulders up, but it took up the whole wall. There was something about the picture that put me at ease. I really couldn't put my finger on it. I think we were just glad to in a better hospital than Doctor's. They should have called it "QUACKS PLAYGROUND" rather than Doctor's Hospital.

Nick part#1

My son Nick was born when I was only 19 1/2. It was really awesome. Jen and I were really excited and very nervous. We just wanted a healthy baby and we were planning on doing our best and loving him like crazy. We were very, very happy. He was the perfect baby. He slept through the night at one month old.

He has been a gift to us. Never got into trouble. He was always a good kid. He always got really good grades. The worse thing he ever did was when he set off a model rocket engine in his room. He had a giant glass jar and he thought it would just spin in the jar. It built up too much pressure and busted the bottom out. We had just finished having lunch on a Sunday afternoon and Nick went to his room like he always did. That's when it happened. We heard glass break followed by those words that every parent dreads. "UH OH!" I went running into his room, asking if he was all right and trying to assess the situation at the same time. I really couldn't see too much. His whole room was filled with smoke! Wall to wall and floor to ceiling. He got his window open and I grabbed his chinchilla and hamster cages. I opened every window in the place. I got every fan we had and ran them on high. Nick was okay. We didn't know that a small class C rocket would put out quite so much smoke.
He would also build all kinds of things. He still does. He would see something and try to replicate it. When he was 4 or 5, he saw a laser one some show and He pulled the wiring out of an old guitar I had built. I asked him why he ripped out the wiring. He told me that he really need the wires and I was home to take him to the store. We used to go to the "trash truck" store a lot. That what called Home Depot. The backup alarms on the forklifts made him think of the trash truck.
When he was in kindergarten, he had a really bad kidney infection and was hospitalized for two weeks. We found out later that he didn't use the bathroom at school. He thought that if he did, he would miss out on riding the bikes. He has been fairly healthy every since, but that was a very scary time for us.

Becoming a dad

There is nothing like getting married to make you become a responsible adult in a very short time. Another thing is becoming a parent. I remember getting married feeling a mix of feelings. It was great, but a little overwhelming. Every marriage is different and the two people in the marriage must learn to work together to make it last. They need to grow together or they'll grow apart. Each still maintains the individual things that make them who they are, but the differences work together to complement and to strengthen. The same is true with families. It takes a lot of work and patience. Communication must be there. I know that you might get mad at me for saying this, but don't try to raise your kids be reading the latest Dr. Spock, Dr. Phil, or whoever. That would be like trying to be an actor by watching TV or a soldier by just playing video games.
I remember when we were expecting Nick. We knew that there was an estimated time of arrival, but that was it. It was a daily learning experience. Every day was something new. It has been the ultimate on the job training.

How to become a better man

Delbert and Lois were wonderful people. They loved each other and were married for many, many years. They welcomed me in to their lives when I first started dating Jen and we became very close. I know people tolerate their inlaws, tell inlaw jokes, etc but we were actually very close. I loved them both very much. I learned what it was like to accepted and how to accept and love others because of what they demonstrated. Its hard for me to find the words to express how special they were to me and my family. I miss them both very much and think about them all the time. We used to visit with them almost everyday. Even after Nick was born. We saw them all the time. We made a point to never move too far away. Nick and Delbert were best buds. They dug a tunnel and built a fort in Delbert's back yard, dug up ant hills, built a town with a model train, and all kinds of other things.
Delbert had worked for the school district and was retired when I met him. We talked alot about my work and things like that, but I really learned alot by watching him. I learned how to treat his daughter by watching how he treated his wife. I learned how to raise my son by seeing how he treated his children and grandkids. Lois was dealing with severe RA when I met her. It limited what she was able to do. Delbert took over and did what she had trouble doing and much more. He never made a big deal about it. He just did it. He loved his wife and enjoyed helping her anyway he could. He did what ever he could to help anybody. He was a very humble man. Never wanted people to notice him.
Lois was very wonderful and caring. She loved her husband, her kids and their spouses, and their kids. For a number of years, Thanksgiving and Christmas was always at their house . She made a lot of costumes for the kids. She was always doing things for others. She seemed to be happy even though she was in a lot of pain. She had a great sense of humor and we laughed a lot.
I remember a time that I thought I could siphon some gas to prime the carburetor on my car. I had seen others do it, but never tried it myself. How hard could it be? I asked Delbert if he had a piece of rubber hose. He got it and I started sucking. It took a couple of attempts. Finally, the gas came up the tubing and into my mouth. I started gagging and choking. Delbert was laughing like crazy. I had never seen him laugh that hard before. He was glad I was okay, but it was pretty clear that I had no idea of what I was doing. He went and got the gas can for his lawnmower. He had offered to get it earlier, but I just knew that I could do this.

the happiest day ever

The big day finally came. It was exactly one year to the day that we had started dating. Before meeting Jen, I thought I'd never get married. I had learned that marriage doesn't work. It starts off pretty good, but then it just goes down hill from there. At least that is what I had seen. My dad, his dad, and Bob's grandpa all had been divorced and remarried and sometimes repeated the cycle. I never met Ward's dad, but Ward seemed to be bitter towards marriage. Women had always taken advantage of his kindness. The same thing was true about Bob. In fact, we had a man to man , face to face, father and son chat. He tried to give me his wisdom and advice. He suggested that Jen and I should just live together and see if things work out, I was too young to get married, I'll be sorry, and so on. I told him that I wasn't him and things WOULD work out.
Well, Jen and I got married. It was a great day. Her best friend, Sherry was her maid of honor and her nephew, Buddy was my best man. My brother, Rob and Buddy's brother, Don were my groomsmen. My sister,  Erin was the flower girl. Jen's dad walked her down the aisle. We got married towards the end of September, but it was the hottest day we ever had. The wedding went great. Bob and his new wife came to the wedding acting like they were behind it the whole time. The reception was held at Sheelah and her husband, Merlin's house and it was pretty relaxed. Being young and broke, we just did cake, snacks,  and punch. There was just family there. No expensive sit down meal like people have now. As a matter of fact our big wedding day meal was McDonald's. Our grand honeymoon was a night's stay at Griswald's in Claremont. It was a decent place, but again we were young and didn't have much cash. Sheelah and Merlin gave us a nights stay on the Queen Mary for another night. The whole day went by so, so fast. We were both extremely happy.
Even though we were happy, a big part of me was waiting for things to change. I don't know if I thought all the Willcutt men were cursed or maybe I thought I didn't deserve to be so happy. I know it sounds weird but for the first few years, I was waiting for everything to fall apart. Thankfully, it just got better and better.

"Can I share your locker?"

Well Jennifer and I hit it off very well. She asked me one day , "Can I put my stuff in your locker?" I was a senior and the senior got lockers and then the juniors got any leftover ones. I moved some stuff out and made room for her stuff. I actually put a bunch of my stuff into my backpack so she could have room. We went everywhere together. I can't tell you how many times we went to the LA County fair in Pomona. Eileen, Sheelah's sister used to get us in for free. We never really went on any rides. We just walked around and hung out.
I'm not sure how soon after we had started dating that I met her parents, Delbert and Lois Clark. I didn't know if they would like me or not. They were very wonderful and welcoming people. They made me feel right at home. Lois was worried that I was too skinny and always invited me to stay for dinner. I stayed and had dinner with the Clarks.
We officially had started dating in September and in November we started talking about marriage. It was actually her idea. I think she said something to the effect that we should get married. Without a moments hesitation, I said yeah, that'd be cool or something. Around Christmas, I sold my guitar with an amp and some effects to buy her a ring. It was my first guitar and I know people say you should keep your first guitar or whatever, but this was way more important. We got engaged and were married on September 21st, 1985 exactly one year from when we started dating. I was 18 and she was a month shy of 17.
I had started working around April or May at Thrifty's while still in high school. I was also taking a residential wiring class though ROP in hopes of obtaining some type of job after high school. After high school, I continued to work at Thrifty's and then started working as Wendy's on my off days. I was just until I could find something full time. I thought if I didnt have one full time job, I could work two part time ones. You might think this sounds crazy, but that's what I did. After I hit 18, I moved out a began living in a room behind Jen's house until we got married. After we got married, we lived with Delbert and Lois for a few months and then moved into an apartment next door to Wendy's.

From bad to really horrible to something promising

The summer between my junior and senior years of high school was a very terrible time. Very chaotic too. I was trying to get my life on track and decided the best way was to try and quit drinking and smoking marijuana completely. Go cold turkey. I did okay, but fell off back into a few times when days got really, really bad. During this time, Bob had moved out. I stayed living with Sheelah, Robert, and Erin. Bob came around a couple of times to complain to us kids about how horrible his life had become and how he was kicked out off the house. He never stopped to consider how this affected anyone else. I usually just blew him off and and said something like " uh, whatever". My 17th birthday was a milestone day. No one was home as usual. I went to my friend Eric's house. When I got there, we went into his garage and he said" Happy birthday!" and presented me with the only gift I received that day. It was a bottle of Bailey's. I popped it open and then started chugging it. Eric said, "Hey man, save some for me!" So I handed him the bottle back and thanked him. We hung out for a couple of hours and then I went back home. When I got home, Bob was there asking where everybody was. I told him that I didn't know. Then he started in as usual. Sheelah this, Sheelah that. After a few minutes, I had had enough. I said "F--- you!. Its my birthday and you didnt say anything and you come in here and ......" Yeah,  I used many sentence enhancers and chased him out. I let him know that he wasn't welcome here.
I lived with Sheelah rather than going to stay with my dad. That must sound very strange, but I had enough of him and I was so completely filled with hatred that I would have enjoyed beating him into a slow death.
I started working on my plan of escape back to Maine. Sheelah started dating Merlin. My dad came around a couple more times. My friend of mine at the time was always trying to get me to take my dad's side. He kept laying a heavy guilt trip on me about how my dad needed me and how I was letting him down and everything. I just said okay, whatever. I just focused all the more on my plan to move to Maine and disappear.
Now with summer almost over and school starting soon, Eric and I continued to hang out and play guitar and talk about girls. I had decided to go back to Ontario High. I even got the same dumb counselor who put me into  that bilingual history class when I was a freshman. We had been talking about taking some work experience classes and started looking through the list of ROP(regional occupational program) classes. I suddenly got what I thought was a wonderful idea. I suggested that we take the cosmetology class. My reasoning was that we'd be the only two guys in a class FULL of girls. He was worried that people might think that we were gay. I told him that he was stupid and no one was going think that. We argued about it for a little while and then one of us, probably Eric said hey how about retail sales. We could hang out at the mall, get credit, work training, and the girls would be in that class too. We signed up when school started and it was fun. Eric was a little mad though. In the mall there was a music store that we both wanted to work at and only one student was allowed per store. I got the music store. Pedrini's Music. It's not in the Montclair Plaza anymore, but it was fun. This is where I met Eric's friend , Jennifer Clark. They had a math class together and they talked about school and stuff. She was very nice to me and I thought she was pretty. The three of us would walk around the mall together just talking about everything. Whenever she'd stand next to me, Eric would get a weird look on his face and move between us. Obviously, he liked her and I was a threat. He was a friend so I backed off. Jennifer would come around and talk to me at school. I was nervous. I mean here's this girl and she's flirting with me, but my friend Eric really likes her or so I thought. I ask him about her in a non threatening way. He laughed and said no that they were just friends and that I should go for it. I had read EVERYTHING the wrong way.  A couple of days later, after ROP was over with for the day, she hands me a note and leaves. I open it up and she has written something like how cool I was or something and to call her. Her phone number was in it. I kind of went into a state of panic. Here's this girl who has so much going for her and she is interested in ME ?!?! I mean I had asked a girl to the movies or dances and stuff like that, but it was usually after a friend set me up. I almost thought this was a joke. I waited a couple of more days and then bit the bullet and dialed her number. Her mom answered and then turned the phone over to Jennifer. I don't really remember what we talked about, but we talked for a really long time. It was really great. I still wasn't expecting how it would turn out.

Back in Ontario, California

After many wonderful days in Maine, I came back "home". Sounds kind of of funny. If you have read my past blogs, home wasn't really too homey. Home always has to do with a feeling at ease, welcomed, loved and everything else that makes home, home. Well, I was back. My parents fed me a line of how much they missed me and how they needed me back home. They had heard that I had worked at a couple of places and promised to hook me up with a job when I got home and they made a few other promises too. My dad had heard that I had taken up the guitar and made a bookshelf around these giant Wharfdale cabinets. He gave me a amp that he picked up at Fender when he worked there. The amp was originally a combo, but was damaged. My dad made it into a head. Okay, things were starting to look up. Notice I said,  starting!
At 16, I got a job working a CJ's Market. It was a little mini mart/gas station and it was right around the corner from where we were living at the time. It started off as a summer job and turned into an after school kind of thing. I would help unload the delivery trucks, sweep and mop the floor, stock the walk-in refrigerator, bag ice, and a few other things. It wasn't a bad job. One of the guys working there showed me that you could drink beer on the job if you didn't get caught. He was an adult and should have known better, but as the assistant manager he thought he should show me a fringe benefit of the job. He said that he had a technique. He said you open the bottle carefully making sure you didn't mess up the cap. You drink most, but not all of the beer. You push the top back onto the bottle and set it on the rack. Then you go about your stocking duties and "accidentally" knock the bottle off the rack and it breaks on the ground. You just need to save the necks with the caps still on them and the vendors will give the store credit. Free beer! He told me not to tell anyone else even though everyone else did it. He said not to do it a lot or it looks suspicious. Everything was going pretty good and worked there for almost a year. One thing about the job was that you could have a tab. You could eat, drink, buy cigs, and even get gas on your tab. You'd just write down the amount and it was deducted from your check. I had a tab for a little while. I'd stop in and put something on my tab. Get a burrito or something on a break and put that on there too. Just a little here and there. Well,  I begin to notice that my checks were becoming less and less. Even on weeks were I was "tab free", my checks was not the correct amount. My biggest surprise was when I got a check for around $40.00 for two weeks worth of work. It should have been closer to $150. I asked about it and the lady who was the head cashier said that I had a big tab. I asked to see it. When I asked about the charges I was told that this person from my family put a carton of cigarettes on my tab, someone else bought gas and a couple of six packs of Dr. Pepper. I went through the roof! I closed my tab. I told them I didn't not want a tab and that my family wasnt going to charge stuff to it. Well, a member needed to gas up their car and tried to use the tab. They were denied, but then persisted because it was a "misunderstanding". Being friends with the owners made it possible for my tab to be reopened without my knowledge once again. I caught hell later that day and was told that I put this person in a bad spot and blah, blah, blah. I don't remember what I said but it was met with a slap. Once again, I slowly turned back into the person I had been before going to Maine. I was trying to save up enough money to go back to Maine. I just wanted to get away and disappear. I thought of the people I knew in Maine and hatched a plan to work on a fishing boat. I'd earn my keep and never see these people again. Since I was not 18, I was repeatedly told that if I tried to leave earlier, I'd be picked up by the police as a runaway and would be taken to jail. So I kept my plan to myself. I tried to do the bank thing once, but it never works when someone is running the account for you. Instead, I would cash my checks and hide cash behind the plastic outlet covers. I tried under my bed and the usual places, but people were in and out of our house and my room would get ransacked. While working, I was told to buy my own clothes and stuff. Now imagine my amazement when coming home from school and I'd find people I didn't know wearing my clothes, sleeping in my bed, sitting in my room, etc. I put a lock on my door, but it was always broken.
I did my junior year at Rubidoux High in Riverside. Sheelah's mother Dee Dee lived in Mira Loma and I used her address to go to Rubidoux. There was a bus stop by her place. My dad would drop me off in the morning and after school I would walk from Swan Lake Mobile Home Park to my house. Walking on Hamner back in the day when there was nothing out there was scary. A number of times I had weird guys try to give me a ride. I started carrying a pocket knife. I would open it and slip it into my watch band. That way I could conceal it with my hand, but it was ready if I ever needed it.
I spent most of the year at Rubidoux smoking pot at school or drinking by myself at home. My life had been a big disappointment. Now it just seemed to go from bad to worse. I couldn't wait for eighteen to come.

Camden, Maine #6

I did a lot of stuff. At my grandparents church, I started working with the pastor recording the services. It wasn't very hard. I sat in a room at a desk and on the desk was a little tape recorder. The pastor would make start and stop points on the bulletin of what I needed to record. No mixing board or anything else. Just a little tape recorder with a wire that lead from the pulpit and ended at the microphone jack. The tapes were copied and taken to the shut ins. I remember visiting some of those people. I'd go with the associate pastor and another kid. We'd usually visit them in the old folks home. We'd talk for a long time, but time seemed to really fly by. Getting in and visiting was easy. Leaving was an entirely different matter. The old people heard that we were there and they decided that we were there to see them as well. We'd talk to a few of them. It was hard to see so many people desperate for someone, anyone to stop and share a few words with them. I enjoyed going, but I always wondered where the families were. Most of my friends went to the church and so did the cute girls. I was there just about whenever the doors were open.
If I wasn't at the church, I'd be hanging out with Gideon at the music store. Another place to hang out was the bookstore. I liked to read and I noticed that the girls either hung out here or worked here. The bookstore was two stories and had a cafe downstairs. On a few occasions, we'd have Earl Grey Tea and scones with jam. We'd discuss music, books, girls, etc. This was way before Starbucks. The cafe was usually filled with older people. We were the only "kids" in the place. They would always watch us cautiously. I don't think it helped that Gideon wore a trench coat most of the time. A "cooler" place to hang out was Fitzpatrick's. It was a little seaside dinner that was owned by a mutual friend. At least that's how it seemed. Some of our friends worked there as well.

One day, I was waiting for Gideon to show up and I wondered into a place called Nantucket Model T's. It was a place that sold T shirts to tourist and that is where I met Barbara Hoch. She ran the store and taught me how to make shirts. She had moved to Maine from Long Island, NY with her husband Andy and their son Yarrow. I "worked" at the store for a little while. Truthfully I just hung out and talked to Barbara and the other workers. Most of the shirts I made were for myself. I don't remember how it happened, but either Andy or Barbara invited me over to their home. They became a surrogate family in many ways. I think I was at their house more than I was at "home". I don't think I ever told them how much I appreciated them.  Andy was an artist and a genius. I have met people who were talented, but he was extremely gifted. He could make just about anything. I went with him a few times to "hunt" for wood. He could pick up a piece of a tree or a branch or a rock and tell you what he was going to do with it. Not in an arrogant, self centered way. He would pick up a rock and say "I see a fish" or "I see a lighthouse". Next time I saw the rock, it had been carved into what he saw it to be. Their home was amazing. It was an old barn. The living room, dining room and kitchen were downstairs. The den and bedrooms were upstairs and at the very top was their master bedroom. It had a 360 degree view. Every door in the house had a weighted pulley system. You'd walk through a door and it would close behind you. The house was in a constant state of change. Andy would get an idea to improve this or that and I'd go to hang out and help anyway possible. He was always drawing something or making something. Always creating. His son is the same way. All three of them were very creative.

I used to go with my grandparents to the transportation museum in Owlshead. They were volunteers. We would go there after the place closed and helped clean up the vehicles. Dusting, polishing chrome, windexing windows, armoralling the tires and interiors,etc. I got a chance to go behind the ropes and sit in World War II aircraft while cleaning the inside. I got to sit in Packards, Buicks, Chevys, and many other old cars. It was pretty cool.

Camden, Maine #5

I know I've been posting a lot about my year and nine month stay in Maine, but it was a pretty big turning point for me. Things were coming together. I was learning that I could actually do something rather than just take up space or get under foot. My grandparents actually liked having me around. I liked them. It was a great thing. I actually got paid for helping out and a little bit for helping out in the tin shop. I started buying my own clothes and stuff. Making choices on my own. A lot of firsts.

After working a little bit in the tin shop, my grandma helped me get my first real job. Her friend Nancy managed the Yacht Club. I worked during the summer and I did pretty good. I was setting up tables inside and outside, sweeping and mopping the dining hall, and helping the maintenance guy. Helping meant doing all the stuff that he didnt want to do. I scrubbed toilets, hauled trash, did some minor painting. The season ended and so did the job.

I used to hang out with Gideon at Wild Rufus Records. This was a giant store that looked like three shops joined together. The record store had just about anything you could ever think of. Brand new stuff right when it came out, old standards, rare imports, etc. Towards the back part of the store, they had guitars, basses, drum, and assorted band instruments. I bought my first six string for $30.

I used to carry that thing all over town. I didn't know how to play it, but it was just
something to build my identity and my confidence. Gideon taught some basics and I was off. I picked up an amp and then more people wanted to hang out with you and swap riffs.

Once,  my grandparents took me to Nova Scotia. We took the ferry, swam in the quarry, and a bunch of other things. It was also my birthday. One of the best I ever had. It seemed like everything I did with them was better. I know most people wouldn't want to be seen with their grandparents, but they really were great.

Dave the athlete?

Dave, Todd, and Bruce

Dave tried to run in Vans (fail)

I'm embarrassed to say it, but I tried to be a jock once. Camden- Rockport High School had a cross country running team. You need to believe me when I tell you that it wasn't my idea, but it wasn't. There was a girl. I know, say no more. A lot of you know the story. A guy likes a girl. The girl realizes that guy isn't thinking clearly. Girl gets guy to do "_______". Okay. Okay. I have heard it can go both ways, but girls are smarter than boys. They can get out before things get too bad. Two of my best friends, Todd and Bruce were on the team. They actually enjoyed it. As I was saying, there was this girl. She was on the girls running team and I liked her. She liked me too or so I thought. She liked me until she decided she liked another one of my friends. I tried out for the team. I was more of a sprinter than a long distance man. I could run pretty fast, but I got tired pretty fast.

Who's on your wall? Farrah? Evel Knievel?

Taking a slight detour. We'll get back to Maine later. Did you ever get to decorate your room as a kid? Paint? Wallpaper? Furnishings? I got to put up posters. That was about it. Not every place we lived but just at a couple. Now most people may have had posters of rock stars, sport stars, cars, and others. I had a couple of those black light ones. They were leftovers from some book fair thing we had at school. A neighbor had put a whole bunch of them out by his trash can. I mean boxes of them. I got a few of each one and shared them with kids in the neighborhood. I'm not sure if the fuzziness made the ultraviolet rays more favorable or not. I had the striking cobra, grim reaper on a chopper, and the black panther. I think everyone had the panther. I must have handed out about 30 of them to the other kids. My posters changed from season to season. A few weeks to a year. No set time. Just when you get tired of one it comes down. The new thing goes up. I never really followed trends. I didn't just get a poster because someone else did. As a matter of fact, one of my walls was covered with maps from National Geographic Magazine. In addition to reading about places, I would plan out places that I wanted to visit and chart my courses. A couple of posters were actually purchased and strongly recommended.
One of which was the famous Farrah Fawcett in the red bikini.

Farrah

I think everyone I knew had that one. I didn't really think she was worthy of my wall. Another thing was I didn't think Sheelah would be too excited about me  putting up posters of girls in bikinis on my wall. In sixth grade, I got busted for taking one of my dad's Playboy magazines to school. The school called home and Sheelah came to get me. She wasn't mad. She was foaming at the mouth, crazy with rage, ready to go postal. I got a high volume lecture from her and a beating from Bob. I thought having any kind of a picture of a girl on my wall would lead to a long and anguishing death. Latter, I covered up Farrah with a brunette wearing a tank top and daisy dukes. "HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO FARRAH? WE BOUGHT YOU THAT POSTER!" I said that I just liked this other girl better. They were worried about me. Who didn't like Farrah? Everybody was supposed to like her, but I didn't really think one way or another about her. Bob and Sheelah were always asking me if I liked girls . I said yes.  I cant explain the logic, on a number of occasions they offered to buy me condoms. They wanted explain how they worked and everything. I declined the offer. Rather than being happy that I was now seeing girls for more than just objects d'art. there just had to be something wrong. I don't know why they were so set on this.

Evel Kneivel

Another poster that was recommended was Evel Knievel. I actually saw him jump a couple of times. Evel was a hero for the kids in  my neighborhood, but he just wasn't mine. I was greatly impressed by his jumping and sometimes crashing skills, but that was it. My dad thought I should like Evel more than everyone else. I had a poster of him jumping buses. Later for Christmas or a birthday, I got the Evel Kneviel Stunt Cycle. Just like the real thing. He'd go for a little bit and then crash. I used to crank that winder so fast I thought the wheels would fly off the bike. A few times, Evel(the toy) would just shoot out of the launcher rather than ride down it. I could get him to go about 12" before tires hit the sidewalk. The toy was still pretty cool.
We used to set up ramps in the street and jump our bikes off of them. Good fun. The ramps we made were thrown together without much thought. They usually broke or collapsed. We just made them with anything we could find. Old rotten plywood, milk crates, trashcans, etc. Those were some pretty good days. Just me riding my bike and being away from the house.

Camden, Maine #4

 Roy was a great influence on my life. He actually wanted to talk to me and we became very close. I'd go with him when he went to practice barbershop singing. I'd help out in his shop. He was the male influence that I was seriously lacking. He loved my grandma and I never heard him say an unkind word about anybody. I'm not sure how old he actually was. I just remember that he had tremendous wisdom. He always had a very calm demeanor. Nothing ever got to him. He never got mad. He was not as politically minded as Inez, but he did go to a lot of the stuff she did. He was very supportive of her. I like going with him to some of the events. I remember the day we went to this one house. It looked like a regular home, but the guy who owned the place did solar everything . He had some water system where he heated his home with pipes in the floor, but the water never lost its heat coming out of the tap. While people were talking to this man's wife, Roy and I talked to the man. He wasn't too friendly, but Roy chatted with him for a few minutes. The guy disappeared into house. He came out through the garage door and gave us the tour. He proudly showed off his homemade contraptions, carefully explaining how each one work. It was a very enjoyable trip. It demonstrates the type of person Roy was. He wasn't really expecting anything from the man. He was just being social.

Fouth of July

I really learned a lot from him. My dad's father, Ward was a man with many talents of his own. He was in charge of some extremely important projects with General Dynamics. He was a genius when it came to designing and engineering but seemed to have no use for people. I just remember Ward being very sick and irritated all the time. Roy was incredibly skilled at working with his hands as well, but he always knew people were more important. I guess that is perhaps the most important lesson I have ever learned. I remember my 15th birthday. We went to Nova Scotia and went swimming in the quarry. It was one of the best times of my life.
 

Camden, Maine part# 3

 My grandma loved talking my ears off. She wanted to make sure I was informed, but not just informed. It was more like actively involved. I went to local Democrat meet and greet things, marches for peace -(ban the bombs), organic farming, and other related stuff.  She was extremely passionate about these sort of things. As I said before she was very active in politics. She spoke at local meetings of MOFGA. That stood for Maine Organic Farmers and Gardeners Association. She got me involved with some of the stuff. It was exciting, but a little too much to grasp. My family didn't even watch the news. I had never heard of most of the stuff she was talking about. She would have had a big problem with people who complain about the government. She would challenge them to do something. I didn't complain, but she wanted me to be 100% aware of what the government was doing. She didn't bad mouth the Reagan administration, but she wasn't very pleased with him either. Mostly she disagreed with the nuclear weapons talks. She turned her feelings into actions. Some of the pictures are from a march done by some Buddhist monks. I'm the guy in the blue beanie. The other pictures are from a Disarmament march in New York City in 1982. I heard that there was over 1 million people in this march.

Marching for peace