Loma Linda Hospital

After a week of no answers, we were hoping that moving Nick out to Loma Linda might change that. We were glad to see that the staff was on top of things and very attentive. Even though, Jen was still pretty worried. She had been staying by Nick's side, night and day ever since he was first admitted back at Doctor's Hospital. It was taking a real toll on her. She wasn't sleeping and she wasnt eating. Her sisters took her back home and I stayed overnight. While Nick was sleeping, I went and got something for dinner. I told the nurse that I was running to Del Taco and would be back in few minutes if they needed me. When I returned, I checked back in at the nurses station and looked in on Nick. He was still sleeping. I took my food out to the patio and thought about everything going on. I had a lot of questions. Questions about what Nick really had going on, how Jen was doing, what if I did lose my job, and so on. I had so many questions. My mind was on overload.
At Loma Linda, they give you a small stack of books to read through. Most of them were religious due to Loma Linda being a part of the Seventh Day Adventist Church. I looked through them a little. Mostly just to pass the time. Nick was sleeping alot better and the nurses were taking really excellent care of him. I was there but wasn't needed to be on duty. I continued wrestling with my multiple questions. I took one of the books, Steps to Christ, into one of the visiting areas. I was by myself and turned on the TV. I was kind of bored with what was on TV. Watched some news, flipped through so more channels, and went to check on Nick again. He was fine and I think I was becoming a bit of a nuisance. I went back to watch some more TV. I stumbled on to a music video channel and watched it for a bit. It showed videos by a lot of the alternative bands I was currently listening to and some ones I had never heard before. It seemed like it was one great video after another. Even though I was really getting into the show, I kept going back to this book. I couldn't take myself away from it. I stopped skimming and read the thing the whole way through. At first, it reminded me alot of the stories I had heard going to Released Time in the Fourth Grade and the ones I heard at the churches I had visited with neighbors. The more I read, the more I saw that my life wasn't where it needed to be. I mean I had always tried to be a good person. I tried to do more to help others. I thought I was pretty close to Boy Scout status. At the same time, I realized that I had been spinning my wheels. I never really dealt with anything. I never let people know if  I was hurting. I knew I had anger problems and other issues and  I stuffed them somewhere deep down. Whenever things would begin to "bubble up", I'd stuff it all down more forcefully. I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself. I just needed to work extra hard to keep up my "good guy" appearance. I just wanted people to see me as normal. Not someone with problems. I worked two jobs most of the time so Jen could stay home with Nick. I made sure that I did stuff with Nick. I still enjoyed being a dad and wanted to do things that I missed out on as a kid.
AsI was reading, some of my questions were being replaced with other questions. Deep probing questions, that make you skirm. Questions that keep people up late at night. As I was reading through this little book, I was made to look at myself as I really was. This God that I had heard so much about was actually concerned with me and my family and I had been avoiding Him. I had been running as fast as I could, but I could not hide. I had many things that either I had done or things that were done to me that I was ashamed of. I didn't want this God to see me. I knew I wasn't a good person, but I wasn't a horrible person. I was very convicted. I knew that I was trying to carry the whole weight of everything myself even thought this was God's job. I went out on the balcony and cried out to God. I dont remember exactly what I said, but I do remember admitting that I was hopeless and no longer able to keep things going. I said that I had heard alot of good things about, but if you're real, I willing to give you a shot. That was about it. Just as I finished praying, a lady came out and made some small talk with me. Her daughter was in the hospital and had been coming there for a very long time. She assured me that Nick was in good hands and left. I stayed out a little longer thinking about what I just did. I felt at ease. I knew that I wasn't so overwhelmed anymore, but now I had new questions. I went back into the visiting room and fell asleep on the seats in there.